my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
