then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
