and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
