she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
