i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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