i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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