So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Randomize
