Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
