im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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