I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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