i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
