dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
