the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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