She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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