I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Randomize
