she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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