some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Randomize
