I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Bring me that man meat
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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