I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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