I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
