Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
