Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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