just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
