...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
