did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
