Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
