a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
