I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
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Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
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At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
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