now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Randomize
