my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
