Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
