Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
You took a bar mat shot.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
