you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
