just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
