I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
