alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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