stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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