puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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