I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
