I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
