I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Randomize
