maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
