Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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