omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
