Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
