we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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