Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
