he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
