she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
