question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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