remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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