I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
