Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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