I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
