I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
