is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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