soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize