She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?