Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Randomize
