if you like me you must not know who I am
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
did i walk over a car last night?
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
