Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
We need to get me chipped asap
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
